Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Jan 7th
Aries March 21 - April 19 In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you. Taurus April 20 - May 20 It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass...
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Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Jan 6th
Aries March 21 - April 19 An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your period of intense mourning for a recently departed loved one continues this...
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Monday, January 5, 2009
Jan 5th
Aries March 21 - April 19 You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener. Taurus April 20 - May 20 You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your...
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Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Predictions for 2009
Aries March 21 - April 19 The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe...
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Dec 23rd
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in...
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Monday, December 22, 2008
Dec 22nd
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your belief that "there's no room for second place" creates friction between...
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Friday, December 19, 2008
Dec 19th
Aries March 21 - April 19 An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the...
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Thursday, December 18, 2008
Dec 18
Aries March 21 - April 19 You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act. Taurus April 20 - May 20 You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol...
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Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dec 17th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your...
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dec 16th
Aries March 21 - April 19 In memory of your beloved Aunt, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol...
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